You're not afraid to lose the city (part 2)

This is part 2 of a little series about why expat decisions get stuck, and how to get them moving again. (Missed part 1? You can read it here.)

On Thursday I told you about my client in Switzerland. Months of asking ChatGPT the same question... and then clarity in one sentence, the moment she realized her anchor was gone.

I promised to show you how to find out what’s on your own scale. And I told you it starts somewhere you normally wouldn’t look.

So here it is: right now you are now looking ahead (what should you choose?!), but you actually need to look back. It starts with the version of you who first decided to leave.

Because whatever drove you abroad (or back home) back then didn’t stay a reason. Over the years it quietly became part of who you are. It's an identity part that you don't consciously put on your pros and cons list, but that does influence it a lot.

So when you weigh staying, going home or somewhere new, you’re weighing more than cities and salaries. You’re weighing whether you’re willing to stop being the person that driver turned you into.

You’re not afraid to lose the city or the job. You’re afraid of what it gave you, and who you became there. That’s why the scale won’t tip, even when you’re tired of where you are, quietly stuck in the middle of all your options.

So here’s a way to look at your own crossroads, through four questions:

1. The driver: what moved you, underneath the practical reason?

2. The identity: who did you become because of it?

3. The grip: which option asks you to let go of that identity, and what does your body do when you imagine it?

4. The hard question: is this driver still driving you, or are you holding onto a version of yourself you’ve started to outgrow?

   
   
   
   

Let me show you what this looked like for me.

When I left for Brazil as a diplomat, my driver was a hunger to see the world, as well as prestige. Yep, I'm not afraid to admit that. And it worked. Somewhere along the way, “diplomat” became the first thing I said about myself.

But when I reached a point in my career, burnt out and not fulfilled at all, the question wasn’t only “should I leave this job?”. It was: who am I without the title, the security and the career I’d worked so hard for?

That was my grip. Every time I imagined leaving, my chest tightened (what will people think? Am I throwing it all away? It's not like I can work for the competitor...).

Then came the hard question. Was prestige still driving me? When I was truly honest... no. Sure, it drove my ego - but not my soul. What lit me up was personal growth, and helping people directly instead of through policy and paperwork. I’d been protecting a diplomat I had actually already stopped being.

The moment I saw that, the decision got clear. Scary, yes. But clear.

My Swiss client had the same pattern: ambition was her driver, and the powerhouse who made manager in no time was her identity. Going home without a similar job lined up felt like giving that version of herself up, and that’s exactly what kept her stuck.

So here’s something you can do today, with a pen and ten minutes by yourself:

Write down what drove you to move abroad, underneath the practical reason. Then write down who you became because of it, in the words you’d use about yourself. And finally, imagine choosing each of your options, one by one, and notice where your body grips.

That grip is your information. It shows you exactly which part of you is holding the decision hostage.

And you might notice something else too: a strange kind of relief... followed by a new question. Because if your old driver isn’t what drives you anymore, then what does?

That’s the next step :) And it’s where most expats get stuck, because it’s so hard to see what drives you now while you’re standing in the middle of your options. (Remember my client? She needed someone outside her options to see it.)

But now imagine this for a moment. You know what drives you today, and with it comes a dot on the horizon - a direction that’s yours.

The question that’s been running in the back of your head goes quiet. You buy the expensive couch, go all in on dating, and sign the lease - feeling so solid as you do. You hear yourself answer “so, are you staying?” with a smile instead of a “we’ll see”. You’re the one who chose this chapter, the same way you once chose to leave, and you feel it in your whole body: steady, lighter, back in the pilot’s seat of your own global life.

I’ll show you how to find the era you’re ready for, and I’ve prepared something that makes it a lot easier to take off from here.

So keep an eye out for my next post 👀