Should I Stay or Should I Go as an Expat?

Unfortunately there's no universal right answer to whether you should stay abroad, move back home, or move to a new country. Many expats make the mistake of focusing on the external circumstances as input for their decision-making, whereas the real question isn't about the country at all - it's about identity, values, priorities, and the fear that is quietly running the show. Most expats who feel stuck already know their answer. What's missing isn't more thinking - it's a structured way to act on what they already know.

In the meantime, it feels safer to wait - but there is a real risk of getting trapped in the expat waiting room. Expats who don't want to stay stuck there should develop an Inner Clarity System, so that they can be fully present in the life they are choosing, instead of living mentally into three different futures.

The Expat Dilemma

"Should I stay or should I go?" is the million dollar question for expats. At some point, every expat will ask themselves this question, probably more than once. Heck, I've asked myself this question way too often! And it's also the question that expats most of the times hire me for.

Completely understandable - because it is a difficult question to answer as it involves so many different things. Pros and cons, wins and tradeoffs, logical steps that make sense on paper, emotions that make you feel something else, and expectations from others. It can be really hard to identify what is actually true here. And in the meantime, the dilemma is occupying a lot of headspace, impacting your sleep, joy, presence and often in the long term, also your confidence and self-trust (because not finding your answers or taking action on them quietly erodes those qualities).

Last year, I found myself in the same position. I knew it was time to leave The Hague, but I couldn't figure out what my next destination could be. On the outside, my life looked amazing (and many elements of it also felt that way), but on the inside, I spent so much time and energy mulling over what was next. I knew this wasn't my long term place, but what was? No idea. So I entered the expat waiting room, and stayed there too long. Mentally I was already checked out from The Hague, so I didn't invest in it as much as I could have, and went nuts over what to do instead. It was costing me my peace of mind, relationships, presence and more.

(I spoke about the expat dilemma multiple times on my podcast This Expat Life by the way).

Thankfully(?!) I wasn't the only one. As a coach for high-achieving expats, I talk to internationals in the same position all the time. Because of their nature, they want to make sure they make the right decision, and feel trapped in the process. They know what they don't want, but what they do want is vague - all options have pros and cons, but different ones, so how do you know what is right? It almost feels like a roundabout, where you're going in circles passing the same options, justifications and dilemmas, never getting off.

If you have been asking yourself the question whether to stay or go for more than six months, this page is for you (because 6+ months means you're in the expat waiting room). And more so if you lose sleep over it, find yourself in the same thinking loop, avoid conversations about the future, or withhold from investing in your apartment, friendships, career or dating.

Let's look at what you can do to break out of this loop!

Three things that are keeping you stuck in the expat dilemma

Here are the traps I often see happening with my expat clients.

1) Making the decision about the country (or job or other external thing)

This may seem contradictory, but what you've been replaying in your head is actually the wrong thing to think about. We often look at the crossroads in front of us, our concrete options, or our external context. Do we want A or B? Choose this or that? But what we really should be asking ourselves are questions about... ourselves. What do I want? What do I value? What future do I wish for myself? What am I afraid to give up? Who am I if I give this up? What do I secretly dream of? What fears are keeping me hear? What am I not allowing myself to know or feel? You need to zoom out and look at yourself from a bird's eye view - not from this particular crossroads you find yourself in. You need to understand yourself at a deeper level first, honor what you want... And then look at your decision again.

2) Waiting to feel 100% certain

Full certainty never arrives, and you waiting for it is just a little trick from your brain to keep you safe. You don't need to have 100% certainty before you take action. And the action will give you the data whether this is a right decision for you.

3) Thinking your way through it

As a high-achiever you learned to rely on your brilliant brain. It's your biggest asset - it led you to the life you're living now - but also you're biggest trap. Because the answer to the million dollar question isn't found through logical thinking (alone). Some things you just feel or know, but can't think through. And you attempting to think your way through the messy dilemma that involves emotions and subconscious patterns is keeping you stuck.

4) Treating your decision as permanent.

It's not permanent. You can always pivot. If you're on a hike and realize you're on the wrong path, you simply return and take another path. Life is the same. Start moving!

5) Waiting for a decision with zero doubt attached.

If you're holding out for the option that comes with no fear, no grief, and no what-if, you'll be waiting a long time. Every real choice has a cost. Grieving what you don't pick doesn't mean you picked wrong!

What to do instead of researching your options again

I work through this with clients using what I call the Inner Clarity System (ICS). It's built on four pillars that tackle the common mistakes expats make and help you find your own answers, with action, so you actually start to build your next chapter instead of sitting on your information.

1. Clarify what really matters. Not what you think you should want. What you actually want, underneath the noise of other people's opinions, society expectations you've internalized, and your own old assumptions about yourself. As a woman in my 30s, I struggled with not feeling excited about the traditional path everyone around me was living. I thought I wanted it too, I thought the wish for it would come if I stayed back home. It didn't. Accepting what truly matters to me - autonomy, expansion, connection, a global life - took a huge weight off my shoulders. And enabled me to say yes to the right things, and no to what wasn't aligned.

2. Feel to decide. Your logical mind already ran the pros and cons list a dozen times. It's not going to get you further. The information you're missing lives in the body - your emotions are actually really useful clues about what matters to you and where you're stopping yourself. Stop thinking your way through your decision and start connecting to what your emotions, body and intuition have been trying to tell you.

You might like a visualization I created for when you're stuck between two options - it's part of a longer, FREE journey with tools to get you closer to your answers. Register here.

3. Untangle the inner noise. There's always going to be fear, guilt, "but what if", shame, wanting some grip (wrapped as needing a guarantee it will work out before you take action). This is the part doing the actual blocking! Not the country you're thinking about. When you understand what's going on internally, you can also give yourself what you need so you can actually move forward with confidence.

4. Take embodied action. The part most expats forget about. Why is it part of the Inner Clarity System? Doesn't action come after the clarity? Nope. Action creates clarity - not the other way around. One small but real step tells you more than another month of research. That's why everyone inside The Co-Pilot (where I helpe expats make the decisions they've been avoiding) loves taking action - it's just data gathering! It helps to become more detached and get in forward motion.

What's next?

What I hope you now understand after reading this post is that listening to more podcasts, making another pros & cons list, or telling yourself you'll figure it out when things are calmer, aren't going to help you find your answers. You need a different approach. One that is rooted in the four pillars of the Inner Clarity System - because just knowing what you want means nothing without action, and moving forward without supporting yourself from the inside out makes you too vulnerable.

And waiting isn't neutral. Every month in the waiting room is a month you don't sign the lease, don't get the year-long gym membership, don't start dating - because you keep thinking you might leave in four months. And that's a real shame, because your privileged global life is simply too precious for it.

So start here. Ask yourself different questions, like: what option would match most with my values? What destination gives me this spark I can't quite justify logically? What is staying costing me that I'm not letting myself count? What would I do in the next 48 hours if I already knew?

And I would also recommend hiring a coach or mentor to go through the process. Because having that safe space to open up with someone dedicated to your growth, an objective third party without a particular interest, is incredibly valuable when you're a busy, ambitious expat three time zones away from your inner circle. At least that's what 250+ expats confirmed to me after working with me :)

Hiring support as an expat

And feel like you want that objective guidance? Or a structure to get you out of decision purgatory and feel like you're back in the driver seat of your life again? Getting support isn't failure! I hired my first coach when I was a junior diplomat, and have had a coach or mentor ever since.

As a coach for career-driven expats, I specialize in helping them make the big life decisions they've been avoiding. And because so many expats came to me for the "Should I stay or should I go?" dilemma, I've developed The Co-Pilot, where you get clear on what you want and take confident action on it in four months.

The Co-Pilot is the ONLY room dedicated to expats stuck at crossroads, led by a professional coach who also lived the same dilemma personally. So that means proven tools & methods, as well as practical quircky tips from my own experience (which everyone loves!).

If you'd like to hear more about The Co-Pilot, who this is for, how I work and ultimately to see if this is the right match for you, book a free call with me here.