Moving Back Home After Living Abroad: The Culture Shock Nobody Prepares You For
You're back in the country you grew up in. Someone starts singing a song, or mentions a film, or a piece of news from a few years ago - and everyone gets it except you.
"How do you not know that?"
You weren't living under a rock. You were away. But now you have to explain that, in the place that's supposed to be familiar.
I know that moment well. When I was a diplomat I worked with Dutch people and read the Dutch news every single day, and I still missed so many things. People reference them now and I have no idea what they're talking about. And when Julia joined me on episode 123 of This Expat Life (ten years in Thailand, now back in London), she described the exact same thing.
Why moving back home after living abroad is such a shock
A lot of people underestimate the move back home. This reverse culture shock is the most unexpected culture shock there is, because you're not prepared for it.
When you move abroad, you expect it to be difficult and different, so you make space for it. When you move back home, you don't always have that awareness - and neither do the people around you, who look at you like "what are you complaining about?" Your home country has changed, but mostly you have changed. So you don't fit in perfectly anymore.
Julia had a great way of describing it:
"My body had moved here, but my head hadn't caught up yet."
Her head wasn't in Thailand, and it wasn't yet in England. She puts that unsettled feeling at about six months. And a year and a half after moving back, she told me she's still transitioning... so if you're in it right now, it's going to take a minute, and that's okay.
When you've been going back and forth for years
Maybe you're not back yet. Maybe you're still deciding, and you've been deciding for a long time.
Julia deliberated over moving back to London for five or six years. "It took me such a long time to make the decision," she said, which is why sitting in her own apartment in London now feels like such an achievement.
And this is the same woman who was packing for Thailand two weeks after a job interview. She didn't even want to move to Bangkok (she was thinking France or Spain). But a friend told her: "Just do the interview, and if you get it, you can decide then."
"It was one of those things where you just had to do and not think too much."
The overthinking came anyway, two or three days before she left. But by then the contract was signed and the flights were booked. Later, when she started selling her banana bread with no business experience at all, it was the same story. She told me "I really don't think I ever would've done it" if she'd overthought it.
This is exactly what I do in The Co-Pilot. I help expats make the decisions they've been avoiding for too long.
When your old friendships don't fit anymore
You come back and the deep love for your great friends is still there. But you've become so different living away that when it comes to socializing, it isn't the same. And then come the days when you think, like Julia did, "God, I've actually got no one to hang out with."
So often we realize what we need, but we're too afraid to share it. We think it's going to be weird, or that people won't be bothered.
Julia said it to everyone she met: "I'm actually looking for a new community... I'm looking for new friends." One woman answered "Lean on me. Lean on my community," and now her friends are Julia's great friends too.
People don't know what you need. So ask for what you want in life, because people want to help you.
The pressure to say yes to everything
When you get somewhere new, there's that feeling of panic that you've got to socialize with everybody, see everyone and do everything. People will tell you to say yes to everything. Julia doesn't agree with that.
Her number one tip is to let yourself settle first. You'll need extra rest, because your body and your mind are adapting to the new place. Be vulnerable when you meet people, say what you need, and keep checking in with yourself.
Should you move back home? Nothing has to be forever
And if you check in with yourself and the honest answer is that this isn't your place? Julia's take is the one I want you to keep:
"Nothing has to be forever. If it's not the country for you... Go somewhere else, or go home."
It's all part of life, and you're working it out. If there's one thing this conversation showed me, it's that you can reinvent yourself as often as you like.
Questions this episode sparked
How long does reverse culture shock last after moving back home?
It's different for everyone. For Julia, the unsettled feeling lasted about six months after ten years in Thailand, and a year and a half in she still felt she was transitioning.
How do you make friends after moving back to your home country?
Say it out loud. Julia told everyone she met that she was looking for new friends, and one woman answered by introducing her to her own community.
How do I know if I should move back home?
Keep checking in with yourself and be honest. Nothing has to be forever. And if you've been avoiding the decision for too long, that's what I help expats with in The Co-Pilot.
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